song of silence
by thejollypirate
Summary: he decides to sit next to her during lunch, even if words are never exchanged between them. he is more, more than what he seems like.


She never liked much present company, it was too much. Emma has always been the loner, and even when she's in her sophomore year of high school, she still remains this way.

And the thing is Emma _does_ have a loving family, her biological family now, but still after practically fifteen years of her life, all she's known is abandonment, loss, and just the simple fear of being loved. She is trying her hardest now, to try and change, to become a better person, but god knows how long that'll take to recover over fifteen years of despair.

While she speaks when necessary in class, participates in some discussions when she thinks she can keep up, that's likely the extent of any sort of contribution and socializing she goes about with her day. Partner projects are usually fine since she's commonly partnered up with someone she doesn't mind, such as Ruby or Elsa, who are relatively friends by this point. They text and they talk, and sometimes go out for some food or study together at someone's place, but it's not too often.

Emma wishes it were often. But the thing is, even if she goes out of her way to try, she feels like the finish line is five steps farther than where it was previously.

It's obvious she just needs to...put herself out there a little more, meet new people, but that's the issue, she doesn't feel capable of her own abilities (even though she very much is able to friendly communicate with others).

Doubt.

Self-doubt, actually.

Perhaps she's always in a melancholy mood (not really, she is _happy_ sometimes) -

Excuses, excuses, that's the only way she can run, to put distance between herself and an issue which is only ever a temporary fix. Temporary is better than none, but if she went about and solved it, it'd be better than temporary. Emma's not exactly good at saying things, confessing emotions or her thoughts, it's always been some sliver of self-loathe and doubt, wedged within her heart.

It was always _Emma, you can't do this or that_ or even _wow, you're actually trying though it'll result in failure_ , and even (just straight-up) _you should just give up_.

So she's always felt like...damaged goods, replaceable anytime, simply easy to ignore.

But when that boy her age - Killian or something, she heard once in her English class - just appears one day, everything about her balance is completely thrown off. She's never approached during lunch while she just sits at the table in the back corner of the cafeteria, eating the sandwich made with _love_ from her mom. (She knows Mary Margaret loves her, she's shown her affection as a mother several times, along with her dad, David.)

"Is this seat taken?"

She's always been the shadow (felt like a shadow all her life), and suddenly it feels like light is casting over her, _him_ being here and asking if the spot is taken. "No," she answers with a casual shrug, "go ahead." And sometimes, she feels so small, like she's the tiniest ant facing the entire world, or perhaps feeling like she's such a fragile piece of artwork; that a single touch will break her.

"Killian Jones."

"Emma Nolan."

That's the last she hears from him, though. The entirety of lunch, he sits there and eats, catches up on some homework (or is getting ahead, she honestly doesn't know). Between her stolen glances, she feels his presence somewhat comforting where she doesn't have to worry about what others are seeing or saying.

But, then it's how the story keeps going. He always sits in the same spot, diagonally across from her with his lunch, and she's always constantly wondering _why_ he sits there; why at the table with _her_ out of everyone else. And they never even speak, never utter a word during the hour they have. Sometimes they'll wave at each other from across the hall, or they'll pass each other in the mornings and mumble their good morning's, but they rarely even speak to each other, and she doesn't know why, but she certainly doesn't mind.

In due time, she does ask Ruby and Elsa, but neither of them have much input besides the obvious. When Elsa asks Anna to ask Kristoff, all he's able to provide is that he's had some pretty rough patches in his life and he notices _her_.

Well, that's not very specific, but if it explains the look in his eyes when he locks his gaze with her, then perhaps he actually _understands_.

And understanding is important to her - not sympathy and certainly not pity - just that he's a silent support pillar, a source of light in the dark she's always been endlessly enveloped in.

His smile always brightens up her days. Despite whatever reason that may be, she begins to smile back at him. (She does not miss the way his smile widens into a grin, all teeth and ear to ear.)

.~.

It's one of _those_ days - Emma has had her fair share of disagreements with others - the one where she accidentally lost her temper while David was trying to calm her down. It was one of those...mornings she had, now only in a pissed mood and only wanting to just have this day pass by faster, to forget everything that had happened in the morning, to move onto the next day.

As per usual, she eats her lunch in silence as he, but then he scoots over until he's sitting next to her, something he's never dared to do before.

"Are you okay?"

And at such an _easy_ question she could answer, she only feels the tears threaten her eyes. Maybe it's the gentle tone of his voice, or even just because he's _offering_ her something she doesn't get offered from anyone else (unless it's her parents when they're not the issue). Days like this, rough and frustrating, she's just glad no one pays attention to her in the back. She feels embarrassed being on a verge of tears. It's silent as a few escape, but he just brushes them away and takes her silence as an answer.

He apparently just knows she doesn't want to talk about it - at least, not now.

(Things get solved the moment she's home from school, so by the next day, she's smiling again and any trace of his frown is gone, replaced with a hint of a smirk, but still as genuine as ever.)

.~.

The school year is almost over, and she doesn't expect anything out of the usual from Killian. Sure he talks to her more now (during English, mostly), but the day he actually talks to her during lunch, it's just... _different_. Emma doesn't know how to describe it, but it's a good feeling in her heart, something warm in her stomach.

It's...well, it's happiness.

Killian and his group of friends start to hang out with her and her tiny group, and soon they merge together and soon, the once empty lunch table where only two people sat at, turns into a table where now at least eight people sit at.

And she begins to realize she's _not_ alone.

They all usually sit at the same spots, claiming their own seats. Killian sits next to Emma, Kristoff with Anna, Ruby across from Victor (which he tries to shamelessly flirt with her over lunch like the dumb teenagers they can be), and then it's just Robin and Elsa next to each other because they have no other choice. (Robin sometimes sits with Regina, though, so Elsa is left alone on some days.)

Her shadow has been overturned completely since Killian started to give her his attention, even if they never spoke a word to each other. But now, _now_ it's all chatter and laughter, gossip and stories, and she doesn't feel like she's so tiny anymore.

It's the first time, though, where he laces his fingers through hers under the table, palms pressed together, resting on her thigh. It's a squeeze, his hand tightening for a fleeting second. It's his thumb softly rubbing across the back of her hand that catches her attention for the second time, and she leans into his side a little bit and lets herself hope.

She doesn't feel like damaged goods as much as she used to, she doesn't feel like she's a fragile sculpture waiting to fall and shatter, she doesn't feel like she's trapped in her own little cage. She feels _free_ , accepted, and clearly loved. It's all thanks to Killian, for him being there when she needed it, for being a comfortable silence, for being safe company, for believing in her with the unspoken words, those millions of words already being conveyed through simple eye contact.

With him, the voices of doubt slowly disappear. She doesn't hear the _Emma, you can't do this_ or the _wow, you're actually trying though it'll result in failure_ , and _you should just give up_ anymore. Instead, she hears _I'm proud of you, love_ and _you're bloody brilliant, never doubt that_ and the quiet _I love you for your entire being, heart and soul, blood and bones_.

They are young and bold, chasing dreams and _love_ and everything that's so idealistic. They are small in this world, weak broken souls with the wisdom and pain in their eyes. But, they grow in due time, out of college and still together, learning through their mistakes. They crack, they fall, they tumble, they break, but she no longer worries about that process anymore, she just knows it's so satisfying in the end, that her pride, her happiness, her achievements are all a part of a life she's actually living. A life she's _sharing_ with Killian Jones.

She is not afraid to thread her fingers through his, she is not afraid to clutch onto him like it's her dying breath, she is not afraid to sell herself out and _fight_ for what she wants.

In the end, she just sees him with his boyish grin and the sea in his eyes reflecting nothing but admiration for her.

"See? I told you, Emma, you can always do it, no matter what."

But, sometimes, she still won't believe that, she won't put faith in that statement.

But, of course, Killian comes out with something else.

"If you won't believe in yourself, I have enough belief in me to share with you."

And he presses his forehead against hers and chases away those lurking fears of hers, replacing it with love and contentment, a sort of gift that keeps on giving. Sometimes she feels like all she does is take, take, and _take_ , all while he's offering. Yet then he comes to her with the biggest smile for her and she can't think of anything besides the fact that he is her best friend, her supporter, her reason to fight, and she feels like she can face everything.

.~.

It's nostalgic, that nearly a decade later, she's sitting across from him in Granny's Diner, back to the town where it all started.

She does intertwine their hands together on the table though, his fingers and palm warm like that first day he picked up her hand during that lunch at school.

"You always looked so alone during lunch," he tells her later, their palms pressed together as they stroll through the town, passing stores until they're by the docks. "I had some notion stuck in my head to take that loneliness away."

It's never been too much of a mystery to her, but it's nice to hear it from him directly. "And it worked."

He chuckles, gripping her hand just a little bit tighter, tugging her into his side. "Bloody relieved that it did. I was always tempted to speak to you during lunches back then, but my sorry arse couldn't pull any words out of my mouth back then until Robin told me to stop beating around the bush."

Emma laughs a little, the huffs of white from the winter temperatures. "Hey, your silence was pretty helpful in the end, even if it left me in a wondering state."

They're standing in front of the water, the air cooler from the waves, the breeze making her cheeks rosy and her lips cold.

He is enough to displace the cold for warmth.

"The view is beautiful."

"Aye."

And she knows that he isn't talking about the horizon; he isn't talking about the light blue skies or the crashing waves against the wooden pier. He is talking about her.

That same night, when she's stripped of the jacket, sweater, and jeans to be replaced with a loose t-shirt and flannel pants, she curls into his side, his knees hitting the back of her thighs while his hand presses down at her stomach beneath her shirt, his lips at the nape of her neck, breath hot against her skin.

He's always been her safe haven. Her home. Emma doesn't think that will ever change, not in the hard days coming or the easy. Comfortable silence between people aren't easy to find, but the silence between her and Killian is sometimes like music to her ears.


End file.
